Another nautical service of Capt. Eddy Smith (Retired), who has owned a total of 16 boats in his nearly 80 years and now lives under a tarp in a marina.
HULL
- Be certain that it goes entirely under the boat and doesn’t stop at the waterline, thereby avoiding a potential immediate sinking.
- Make sure the Gel Cote is not made of water-soluble material like cream cheese and is more than 1/64 in thick for durability when facing monstrous oncoming waves. Carefully examine the design of the hull. If the bow is pointing way down towards the waterline, it’s either because the boat designer is a nitwit or the anchor is far too heavy. Either way, it would be best to take a pass unless you enjoy being wet all the time. Lean your body heavily on the transom; any flex of more than 4 ” could be an issue when you are hanging 4 350 HP engines on it.
- Lightly rub the boat’s rail. If it feels sensual and smooth, it’s a really positive sign you’ll just love that boat!
- Make sure the head outflow goes directly into the water- Pump out stations are such a hassle and rarely work. Besides, who really cares about the high degree of bacteria in the water? Certainly, all the geese and swans don’t have a problem.
- A Beer Can Cannon is an excellent nautical addition. I was impressed by their booth at the Javitz Center Boat Show! Down a brewski, then fire the can into the wetlands or ocean. Why bother carrying them home? They aren’t considered heavy metals, so why hassle with it! Besides, it’s really fun and that’s what boating is about!
BOAT INTERIOR
- If the lounge or cabin of your desired vessel has a couch that turns into a bed that turns into a dining room table that turns into a head that turns into a couch – take the plank! Walk away! If you don’t, you are going to need to hire a chiropractor as first mate. If the cushions are all black leatherette and handcuffs and leather masks are hanging on the wall, keep cool, say you just need a little fresh air, and hurl yourself overboard! Just get away any which way you can!
- If the galley stove is fueled by alcohol, ask if you can use cheap vodka or if it burns premium. The cost difference is significant! If it is a used boat and the galley is filthy, you know the previous captain probably had been living on microwave Chef Boy R Dee Ravioli and Spam.
- Turn on the sink and if you hear gurgling and a North American eel comes out, you might have to replace the entire galley.
- For the HEAD (or bathroom) expect a roomy 3ft by 3ft toilet, shower, Jacuzzi, sink, combo. This is considered “luxurious” on almost every boat affordable today! Don’t complain, as it will indicate your lack of seamanship!
- The main salon, if used with any regularity, should have a strong mildew odor and you should be able to see the black, damp mold spots on the floor and ceiling. Leave these as this noxious smell will overwhelm the foul odors from the backed-up head!
- Pay attention to the deck! Jump up and down on all the main decks. If they are bouncy and spongy, this may mean the deck and understructure are rotting, and even though this totally compromises the vessel’s seaworthiness, it will give you a far more comfortable ride and save you from knee replacements down the line.
- If the wheel on the boat helm is square rather than round, this breaks all boating traditions. However, it is much more acceptable than a “joystick,” which amateurs are in love with now. Just the thought of controlling my vessel, any vessel, with a phallic-looking device is anathema to any self-respecting masculine semen! Excuse me! Let me correct my spelling – I meant “Seaman” (Always use spell check!)
I sincerely hope this helps in your decision-making, which may end in a resounding “Let’s just buy that World Cruiser XX Super Expander Mobile Home,” but it’s never as fun as a boat!
See you on the bay,
Capt. Eddy