C.K.S.S.R.B&G is the only chandlery, bar, restaurant, brothel, chop shop, boating and fishing supply, ship’s store, bail bonding, tire retreading, witness protection safehouse and underground railroad, long-term day care, unclaimed freight, nuclear waste disposal, hurricane proof AND home for wayward girls YOU’LL EVER NEED!!!
Our staff of overly zealous looters, truck chasers and maritime marauders have been working overtime, so the inventory on the back porch is piling up and everything must go!!!!!!
Serving the greater North Atlantic area since forever, from our opulent company headquarters conveniently located at Pier “F”, slip #13, in the heart of picturesque Hell Hole Harbour Marina!
Simply head down to the wharf on the wrong side of the tracks, follow your nose, and look for a large plume of black smoke! Then… PRESTO! The boating supply destination of your dreams!!!
(If you didn’t call ahead and we’re not expecting you, the secret knock to use at the back door is: three knocks, pause, three knocks, pause; stomp your left foot thrice, cluck like a chicken, snort, spit and yell “Help Me, Jesus!!”… and you’re IN! And don’t forget to tip the doorman, Lubber Guts… he’s still saving up for that operation to finally get that “thing” removed, once and for all!)
BY ALL MEANS!!!…bring the little kiddies along and drop them off at our world renowned Swabbie Land!!!… our recently renovated play pit with oodles of power tools and our own petting zoo where the kids can get up close and personal with: “Blinkey”, our electric eel; “Teefus,” our lovable and huggable pet piranha; and every kids favorite, “Sticky”, the rare poisonous sea urchin!
AND to sit in Santa’s lap, all they have to do is first play our ultra-realistic A.I. SIMULATOR GAME called: “You’re a galley slave, chained to an oar and being whipped in a Roman Ship as we’re about to be rammed by Greeks and all the begging and screaming in the world won’t save you!”
AND!!!… we’re so hospitable, we even serve complimentary snacks to enhance your shopping pleasure, like: fried strips of manatee spleen, grouper eyes, kelp logs, fiddler crab legs and… our World Famous horseshoe crab dip, served in the shell (you do like blue food, don’t cha?!”).
Mmmm, Mmmmm, GOOD!!!
AND!… every 5th Saturday of the month, C.K.S.S.R.B&G has our own Chef Spike’s complimentary all-you-can-eat seafood boil between 2400-2500hrs., so just bring along your seafood since we’re providing the kettle, propane and Old Bay seasoning. Some potable water would be good, too!!!!
PLUS!!!… don’t miss our weekly Battle of the Bands, featuring:
-Direct from the Bull’s Bay Opera House, baritone star Freddy Frogmoore singing his classic “Braap, Braap, Please Don’t Take My Legs!”
-Tar Varnish and the Brushstrokes playing, “Stroke Me Good Or I’ll Run All Over You!”
-Sheepshead Slim & The Flathead Cats crooning, “I Sure Hope That’s Just A Hatch Leak Dripping On My Face.”
-Fish Fry and the Fixins’ belting out, “I Hate Being Gut Hooked By You!”
-AND, the east coast debut of Captain Stabbin’ & The Rum Hot Crew performing their classic hits, “Jet skis Bleed Oil”, “Yacht Club Sissies Scream The Loudest”, and “Raft Up To My Boat And I Kill You!”
AND!!… there’ll be outside entertainment on the dock, as well! You can dance and groove to legendary bands like: Swash & The Bucklers; Overboard & The PFD’s; Bent Prop & The Crooked Cotter Pins; and everyone’s Holiday favorite, Mercury Death Rattle & The High Octane Band!
-Plus! Our very own Spike & The Jolly Rogers playing Russian Roulette, so bring some extra dollars for betting!
We will have a HUGE indoor fireworks show at midnight New Years Eve (getting rid of all that old sweating dynamite we use to go “blast fishing”)!!! Spike will start the show with his OWN fully automatic, unique “duck & cover” rendition of Auld Lang Syne, ringing in the new year with a BANG!
Now don’t miss these Holiday Specials for the favorite boaters on your list!!!!
Need Yule Logs? We got em’! Stacks and stacks of old creosote soaked utility poles and dock pilings, cut in lengths to order. $4.99 per yard.
Candy Yam Canes, gooey but good! $.99ea.
Sand Dollar Cookies. Really cleans the teeth and gums! $8.99 box.
6-Packs of Cap’n Kutbait’s own Yultide Diesel Lager, aged in genuine used 55-gallon steel drums cause there’s nothing like a good belch of diesel fumes to start your gift-opening morning. $19.99!!!
Just in, just in time!! Be the first to give your little swab an official Cap’n Kutbait action figure!!! They look, smell and sound just like the old man hisself! A push of his wart and he screams out an endless string of nautical expletives, just like daddy does when mommy is docking the boat!… And because every kid needs a proper role model.
$999.99 (deep cycle marine battery and charger not included).
Brightwork Polishers (immigration status unknown). $99.99
Running Lights. Guaranteed not to stay stationary. WERE $4.99, now just $4.98.
Anchor Lights, rated to 100 meters, illuminates your shank and flukes in the deepest, darkest abyssal reaches. Now just $8.99 (includes waterproof, pressure resistant matches).
BILGE!! Only $12.99 for the 50lb. sack in all color sheens and flavors.
Eye splices. Helps keep it in the eye socket when an eye patch just won’t do. $8.99
Cans of Staysail, were $6.00, now just $5.99. Works on both canvas and Dacron for that “full sail” look even in the doldrums.
Dead Rise, 89-cents per inch / Meridian Angles (choose from 0-360 degrees) $5.00 per degree / waterline $4.99 a bail.
Reef Points, were $98.76, now $54.32. Comes with sharpening stone and scabbard.
BARGAIN: PROPWASH! Just $5.99 per gallon (customer must bring own bucket).
Liquidation Sale on JOLLY ROGERS!!! Only $10.99! Too rich for you? Then knock off a buck for the Slightly Amused Rogers.
NEW THIS SEASON! “The Basher”, semi-submerged log, imported from Madagascar. Automatically finds zero buoyancy just below the surface! Now available to a river blocking 30 feet LOA! $139.99.
SPECIAL!!!… for those lonely souls at this special time of year! We have oodles of Mistletoe Belt Buckles. PRICELESS!!!!… But will still run you $19.99 a sprig.
OR!!! check out our Companionways Department! Our own exclusive dating service!!! (Psst, it’s back behind the curtain behind the stairs)!! Always freshly stocked with wanton wenches… cause no one should be alone this time of year. Each and all, well-founded and fully-rigged, personally tested and approved by the Cap’n hisself! Just $20 a tussle!
And Don’t forget those stocking stuffers!
Latitudes $6.99! / Longitudes $3.69! / Prime Meridians $1.99 / Rhumb Lines $.99, and we throw in the uncharted rocks for free! / Zinc Preserve. $10.00 per can / Fathoms, the real deep ones, get 6 for a dollar!!!