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Skipper’s Corner

I see it all the time. Boaters and guests hanging their butts anywhere they please on a boat in motion. Where are the Captains of these vessels? Asleep in the cabin? Vaping in the head? Downing a Bud? – Oops! I mean Coors! You are the Captain!!! Wake up! Stan and Nancy have their butts on the bow of the boat with their feet dangling over the side while you are doing 26 kts. racing to Kismet for lunch. One wrong move and they’re in the drink after hitting their heads on the hull and then being sliced open on the prop as the boat goes over them. Take hold of yourself Captain! Be a Man! Slow down to a stop and tell them to get those butts aft (You know what that means, right?)

Then there’s a guest you don’t even know. He’s been invited by your buddy Jed. They work together in a IT start up. His name is Tony and proceeds to tell me it’s short for “Anthony”. Right then I had a mind flash of me throwing him off the dock, but you can’t do those things anymore. Why? They both think they’re trendy. Brand new boat shoes with black socks. So, Tony thinks it’s cool to sit his big butt down on the top of your new 300hp Yamaha while his girlfriend “Bella from Brooklyn” holds his hands so he can stay on when you turn the engine port or starboard. She’s laughing, he’s laughing, everyone is laughing! Let’s face it Captain, Tony and his girlfriend “Bella” are idiots. Maroon them on Thatch Island. They’ll still be laughing when you say it’s just a joke and you’ll be right back to pick them up. Then get outta there. They won’t be laughing at dusk when the mosquito’s come out, but at least Tony didn’t fall off the engine and drown.
Turn around Captain! Why are the two other passengers sitting their butts on the gunnels. They look so relaxed. Why aren’t they sitting safely on the transom bench seat. Oh! They can’t sit there. They set it up with a fine spread of eats along with a cooler of iced canned “Mimosa’s”! You are forced into a quick swerve to handle an immense wake thrown up by another weekend bay warrior. No sweat though, you don’t notice that the gunnel “Butt perches” went airborne and into the drink before you hit the entrance to the Kismet boat basin.
That’s the way it is boaters. I see it every weekend. Passengers should be seated in a sensible place whenever the boat is under way. Your job as Captain is to find a safe place for every butt on your vessel. With little kids on board, you must be extra cautious. Even tiny butts can get into trouble when poorly seated. Everyone should be wearing a life jacket. And by the way, if that guy with the really big butt refuses to sit where you tell him and won’t wear the lift jacket because it makes him look a little “Chunky”! well you’re the Captain and you have the authority to keep his big butt off your boat -ANYTIME!!!
There’s one more “Butt stupid” place to park one’s cheeks while underway. It’s those swim platforms that jut out off the transom of the most fluffy boats made today. Some have a transom door to access them. You’d be downright dumb to allow folks to dangle footsies in the cool water. As Captain, you always must be able to react quickly. With those butts on the swim platform, you just limited your option. So, there you have it. Remember, you are the Captain. You tell them the safest places to pace their posteriors on your boat. No ifs, ands or butts!

See you on the water,
Captain Eddy